Pirate School – A Very Fishy Battle

Jeremy Strong's Pirate School A Very Fishy Battle is a daft seagoing adventure for 5 year olds, starring a head teacher nobody in their right mind would want.

What happens

Patagonia Clatterbottom runs the school from a boat-pram with four cannons on it. Miss Snitty, the school secretary, pushes her about in the thing. The book calls her a nightmare on legs and that's about right.

Her big announcement one sunny morning is that everyone is going to learn to raid the Woppagobs on Woppagob Island. The Woppagobs are grown-up pirates who go after food rather than treasure.

Then the Woppagobs get in first. They ambush Smudge and Miss Fishgripp on their way back from the supermarket and make off with the lot.

So the ship sets sail. There are cannonballs, a shopping list asking for 100 packets of crisps (91 of them for Patagonia herself) and a plan that falls apart almost immediately.

It's very silly and it knows it. Miss Fishgripp teaches sword fighting and her trousers come down every single time she draws one. Ziggy has joke teeth that shoot out of his mouth at the worst possible moment. Boris Bigbelly gets a sardine stuck up his nose and then claims he meant to.

Your reader gets a lot of noise for their money. FWOOOSH and KERRUNCH in capitals. Patagonia bellowing about lily-livered lollipops and spanking spiggots at anyone within range.

There's a lovely thread running underneath about being right when a grown-up says you're not. Ziggy keeps pointing out that dolphins are mammals, not fish. Patagonia threatens to have his head chopped off for arguing. He tells her again anyway.

And when the teachers land themselves in a mess, it's Little Flo, the smallest and the shyest, who whispers the idea that might get everyone out of it.

Adults here are useless and rude, and that is the entire joke. Patagonia calls the children horrible little prawns and stupid pimplepots. She pulls off her wooden leg and hurls it at Corkella in the first few pages, and the fun rather depends on that landing as slapstick.

If your 5 year old giggles at shouty grown-ups, they'll be very happy indeed. If loud, cross adults tend to bother them, pick something gentler for now.

What to read next

Fancy another go with the same crew? Pirate School - The Bun Gun turns the raid round the other way. The children are after Patagonia's secret food store this time, the Woppagobs want it too, and Ziggy has built a cannon that fires sticky buns.