Pirate School – Where’s That Dog?

Jeremy Strong's very silly Pirate School story for 5 year olds, about a stray dog smuggled on board a school ship, is called Where's That Dog?

What happens

Patagonia Clatterbottom is the head teacher, and she's a real scary-pants. She has a ginger wig, a wooden leg, big grabby hands and a mini pirate ship on wheels, cannons and all. Her best subject is Shouting.

One morning the postman turns up with a very important letter and a stray dog stuck to his leg. Patagonia won't have dogs on her ship. So the children hide her, and call her Jazz.

The letter's bad news too. Two inspectors are coming, and if Pirate School gets a bad mark it'll be closed down.

The inspectors are brilliant. Miss Piefinger is as big as a rhinoceros and wears an eyepatch with a hole cut in it so she can see out. Mr Crankle has a face like a toad and spare wooden legs that he throws like boomerangs.

Every lesson goes wrong. Smudge swings off a rope and knocks Mr Crankle overboard. Little Flo twirls her way out of sword practice. The gangplank turns into a trampoline.

And every time Jazz barks, one of the children says "Ruff!" and claims it was them (nobody believes them for a second).

Will the school survive the inspection? And where IS that dog?

This is a LOUD one to read aloud. Wheeeee, splosh! Boyoiinngg! Your reader will be joining in with the noises by the second chapter.

The grown-ups are all ridiculous, and the children run rings round them, which is exactly what a young reader wants from a story. Marks out of ten for every lesson so far? None.

There's a sweet moment too. Jazz creeps into Patagonia's bed the night before the big test and licks her face, and the fiercest head teacher in the world falls asleep with a tiny smile.

Nothing here is frightening. There's a sea chase with cannon fire in it, but it's pure pantomime from start to finish.

What to read next

If they love this crew, go back to where it all started. Just a Bit of Wind is the children's very first day at Pirate School, with Patagonia insisting that a gathering storm is nothing to worry about.