Toy Academy – Some Assembly Required

Brian Lynch's Toy Academy - Some Assembly Required is a very silly school story for 7 year olds about a homemade toy who has no idea what he's supposed to be.

What happens

He wakes up in a rubbish bin next to half a waffle. The girl who sewed him found the pattern too hard, called him unplayable and asked for her money back. His name is Grumbolt. One arm is shorter than the other and his head is far too big.

Then a grumpy old robot called OmniBus Squared recruits him for Toy Academy, a school where toys learn how to play. Graduate, and you get a kid of your own. That's all Grumbolt wants.

The trouble is that nobody can tell what he is. A sea otter? A woodchuck? A mutant chipmunk? (Everyone has a guess, and it's a running joke right to the end.)

The school decides he's a plush, so his lessons are tea parties, dress-up, bedtime prep and pillow fights in gym. He's hopeless at all of them. He gets banned from tea parties and his wonky arms can't swing a pillow.

Then someone steals one of Commander Hedgehog's arms (he runs the school). Rex Everything, the class bully, decides the mystery toy must be the thief, and the rest of the class seems to agree. When the second arm goes too, Grumbolt makes a plan to sneak into the Evil Toy Academy. What could go wrong?

For a child reading alone it's a proper chapter book in bite-sized pieces. There are 24 short chapters with pictures on nearly every spread, lots of them full-page. The big moments land in bold capitals across the page. There are numbered lists, a scribbled note from the commander and a club song (cats only!) in a giant speech bubble.

The jokes are VERY toy-box. A collectible who won't come out of her plastic bag in case a scuff lowers her value. A bedtime teacher so soothing the whole class nods off. A Guard Burger made of fast-food toys and held together with glue.

Under all that it's very sweet. Grumbolt keeps asking what he is and keeps being told he isn't good enough. If you've got a child who's ever felt they don't fit the box everyone else came in, this one will land.

It's an American edition, so expect "garbage can" and "gotta" here and there.

What to read next

If they love a toy with a fault in him, try Spy Toys next. Dan is a teddy bear whose snuggle chip makes his hugs far too strong, so the factory drops him down a chute to where the faulty toys end up.