Just William 06 – William the Conqueror

William the Conqueror by Richmal Crompton is a set of comic stories for 8 year olds about a boy whose brilliant plans never once survive contact with the grown-ups.

What happens

In the opening story a chimney sweep turns up at the house. William decides on the spot that this is the career for him and asks whether the sweep would like a partner.

The sweep, being a decent sort, leaves a whole pile of soot behind the summer house. "That's mine, isn't it?" says William, thrilled.

Then Ginger comes past with news that they are ratting in Cooben's barn, and William forgets the soot completely until teatime.

What he does not forget is Mr Arnold Fox, a visitor who has just patted him on the head and called him a rough diamond. Mr Fox leaves the house later with a suspiciously dark forehead.

That is the shape of every William story. He has a plan. The plan is entirely reasonable if you accept where he started from. Then it goes spectacularly wrong, usually in front of an audience.

The arguing is the funniest part. When the cook orders him out of the room, William points out that watching the sweep is exactly the same as going off to college, because how is he supposed to be a sweep if nobody lets him learn how it's done?

You can't fault the logic. That's the joke.

There's a lovely stretch where Geoffrey Spencer walks past in a white sailor suit and announces that his mother says William is too rough to play with. Joan sniffs in agreement. Ten minutes later Joan is dancing round the soot heap holding hands, and shortly after that the whole road is throwing soot at everybody else, including a butcher boy who only came in to sort things out.

Now the honest bit. These stories are about a hundred years old and they read like it.

William and Ginger talk in dropped letters, so "wun't" and "gotter" and "an'" are all over the page. There's a cook in the kitchen with strong opinions, children wear white sailor suits to go and post a letter, and the narrator reaches for words like pugnaciously. A confident reader will get the swing of it after a story or two. A child still working hard at decoding will find it slow going.

It's also separate stories rather than one plot, which makes it good for a chapter a night with no need to remember where you were.

What to read next

If the old words get in the way but the idea of a boy arguing himself into disaster does not, Horrid Henry's Underpants does much the same job in plain modern words. Henry will tell you with a completely straight face that ketchup counts as a vegetable.