Diary of Dorkius Maximus

Tim Collins's Diary of Dorkius Maximus is a very silly Roman diary for 9 year olds about a boy who is absolutely certain he is hero material.

What happens

He isn't. Dorkius puts on his brother's old armour and falls over backwards. He picks up his dad's sword, swings it, misses the sack of grain entirely and takes out his mum's favourite vase. Nobody laughs that time. They all just wince.

Brawnus is only a few years older and already a general, and Dad was in the army before politics. So there must be a mighty warrior in Dorkius somewhere. He just wishes it would hurry up and turn out.

A lot of the fun is Rome itself, and it's gloriously grim. Dinner guests being sick into buckets so they can cram in more food. A public toilet with a sponge on a stick that everybody shares. Tunics washed in wee. Your reader will read some of these bits out loud to you whether you want them or not.

Then there's Mum. She has sacred chickens, and the chickens decide everything. If they eat their seed cake it's a yes. If they're not hungry, Dorkius doesn't get to go out. He is not impressed by this system.

The training, when he finally wangles it, is with Stoutus, an old army friend of Dad's who turns out to be short, round and eating a chicken leg, and who can still drag a marble statue of himself across a garden one-handed.

And while Dorkius is crouched behind a tomb waiting to scare his friend, two men stop in front of him and talk about striking someone they call Baldy as soon as they get the word.

Worth knowing before you hand it over

Dorkius goes to the amphitheatre to watch his favourite gladiator, the crowd chants for the kill, and it happens in one flat line on the page. His only complaint afterwards is that the mosaic on his bedroom floor is out of date now. The household is full of slaves too, and plenty of the jokes are at their expense, including one prank that leaves a woman in tears. A child who takes things to heart might find that sits oddly against the silliness. One who enjoys the gruesome end of history will be right at home.

What to read next

If the Roman grot goes down well, the family packs up for Pompeii in another of these diaries, where the locals turn out to be even keener on reading pig innards than his mum is.